27/05/00 Parscelona 2 Erin Hibs 7

[thanks to Lynne for making notes, nearly all of which were legible - if any Hibs person wants to fill me in with a few names (scorers, etc.) feel free to contact me]

St Leonards finally looked to have almost recovered from a season of silky football, with the goalmouths drying up for about the first time in history.

That was last week of course. In the grand traditions of Parscelona matches, it rained for a couple of days before Pars took on Hibs, just enough to ensure that the goals were flooded and the grass was as slippery as possible. The freshly cut grass added to the fun (you wait all season for them to do it, and then they cut it when the football season finishes!). To make it even more enjoyable, the lines on the pitch were pretty much invisible in most places. Perfect conditions for football.

Hibs applied plenty of pressure in the early stages, getting a couple of shots in and forcing a corner. Although the corner was cleared, it took them until just the eighth minute to open the scoring. A cross was lobbed in from the right and headed home with ease by that full-back guy that moaned a lot.

Two minutes later the Pars managed a break when the ball beat most of the players at the edge of the Hibs box, but Alan Maxwell's rushed volley sailed into the air and came closer to disturbing the fish at Deep Sea World than disturbing the Hibs goalkeeper.

With fifteen minutes on the clock Hibs almost added to their lead from a corner but the ball was eventually cleared after being headed onto the crossbar by Billy the big mad-looking skinhead bloke.

Within a few minutes, Pars were breaking again and this time Hibs had to clear their lines after a Jamie Wilson free kick from the left wing proved troublesome.

With twenty-one minutes gone, the Hibs full back went on another dashing run only to run straight out of play thanks to the less-than-prominent byeline. Chuckles were had all round (except for the Hibs player concerned).

Hibs were straight back on the attack within a minute though and Ronz had to save a shot with his foot to prevent the visitors scoring again. A few minutes later Pars were again under pressure during a frantic goalmouth stramash, but despite the slapstick comedy troupe masquerading as a defence, the danger was cleared.

The counter attack provided Pars with one of the better attacking moves of the first half and Keith Mackie laid tha ball off to Alan Maxwell just inside the Hibs box. The Hibs defenders' calls for offside were halfway between optimistic and wrong, but it proved to be unimportant anyway as Alan's shot beat the keeper but was cleared after bouncing back off the post.

The missed chance was rued a few minutes later (argh, it's Huddersfield all over again) when Hibs grabbed a second goal. The shot from the edge of the box took a wicked deflection and looped over Ronz and into the Pars goal. The assistant referee gave an offside decision but given some of Alex's previous offside decisions the referee was probably right to overrule him!

Within two minutes of the second half starting, Parscelona went another goal down. Davie Galloway's goal kick went straight to a Hibs attacker who chipped it back towards goal. Rushing out to meet it, Davie elected to duck and allow the ball back to the outward-rushing Ronz. Unfortunately they were on completely different wavelengths and Ronz wasn't rushing out at all. In popped the Hibs attacker, three-nil to the visitors and about seventeen-nil to Ronz in swearwords.

Two minutes later Pars pulled one back. The ball found its way into the Hibs box at head height and a momentary lapse of concentration in the Hibs defence allowed Keith Mackie to nod it home.

Ronz was called into action again four minutes later when he produced a point blank parry from a Hibs shot. The rebound was headed wide.

At this point Hibs began to dominate the game, due largely to their underhand cheating tactic of actually having a midfield.

With twelve minutes gone in the second half, Hibs netted their fourth. Or would have netted it if we actually had nets. Anyway, a long range effort from the corner of the Pars box didn't look to be too much trouble to the home side, but in the wet conditions the ball somehow managed to squirm its way under Ronz, who then treated us all to a few more swearwords.

DISCLAIMER : At this point I should point out that Lynne got bored of Hibs scoring freely and just started to write "Hibs goal" every time they scored, so my recollections of the remaining goals are a bit sketchy and may have some details slightly incorrect. I have endeavoured to make each goal description as accurate as possible.

Five minutes later, Pars managed a rare few moments of pressure, forcing a free kick and a corner before Fraser Clark was possessed by a strange supernatural force (actually it was Lynne shouting "shoot") and sent the ball miles wide.

In the nineteenth minute, Ronz temporarilty denied Hibs another goal when he pulled off a good left-handed save. Pars' Grant Cotter managed to fire in a good shot from a wide angle when the Pars launched the counter attack, but this time the Hibs goalkeeper produced a good save.

In the twenty-second minute of the second half, Hibs grabbed yet another goal. Picking up the ball in his own half, a Hibs player went on a mazy run taking it round every Parscelona player on the pitch, including the goalkeeper, before turning and running back the way, taking on all of his own team and the referee, as well as both assistants and all the substitutes, managed to do about seventy keepie-uppies on the run and then blasted the ball from seven-hundred yards out. The ball rebounded between each post six times before rolling along the cross bar and dropping into the goals.

A ten-minute spell saw Pars apply a bit more pressure, with the keeper stopping one effort on the line and Grant Cotter having another shot saved, but for the most part it was Hibs who dominated.

With five minutes remaining, they notched up their sixth goal. Gathering the ball in midfield, the Hibs player appeared to be going nowhere. But then, in what must surely be the most incredible chain of events ever seen at St Leonards and sure to be included in the next goals & gaffs video, Hibs got an incredible run of luck. Just as the Hibee concerned looked to have been closed down, there was a deep rumbling noise and wouldn't you know it, the Pars midfield was swallowed by an earthquake. Seizing his opportunity, the Hibs defender raced toward goal, but was stopped in his tracks by the presence of a resolute Parscelona defence. Even this couldn't stop him permanently however as for some bizarre reason the A-Team suddenly drove their van onto the pitch and parked right in front of the defence. With one mighty shout of "I pity the fool who doesn't pick up his man at corners", Mr T gathered up some grass clippings, some mud, a dog turd and an old lager can, used them to maufacture a rocket launcher (of course) and blew up two of the Pars defenders. The remaining defender appeared to have the situation under control, but the excessive amount of rain short-circuited him, as it emerged he was in fact an android from space. The Hibs player was left with an easy chance to stroke the ball home and did exactly that.

Within a minute, Pars had grabbed the last of their consolation goals, Grant Cotter lobbing the keeper from the edge of the box.

With just three minutes remaining, Hibs got their final goal. The ball broke to a Hibs player who ran toward the Parscelona goal with only Ronz to beat. He was as surprised as everyone else when a tyrannosaurus rex, previously thought extinct, came racing out of the pub across the road, weaved its way through the traffic and onto the pitch, whereupon it grabbed the Pars keeper and devoured him whole. Strolling casually forward, the Hibs player didn't look quite so smug when an old undiscovered World War II land mine exploded, ripping off one of his legs. But, in a heroice piece of play, the Hibs player crawled towards the goal and knocked the ball in with the remaining bloody stump, to put the final touches to an impressive performance and result.

Overall verdict: one team was good, one team was shocking. You work out which is which yourself.

Pars squad: Ronz, Fraser Clark, Steven Clark, Alan Maxwell, Grant Cotter, Keith Mackie, Alex Mercer, Stuart Holland, Chris Ozog, Jamie Wilson, Keith Rapley, Alasdair Mercer, Jason Hunkin, Callum Norris, Garry Ure, Davie Galloway

Scorers for Hibs:
Callum Norris (OG)
Connolly (2)
Carr
McFarlane
Brennan
Reilly