Erin Hibs 5 Dunfermline List 3 
                                                       by Geoff Smith

                                           Jack Kane Centre, Edinburgh - August 15th. 

       The day got off to a worrying start, writes Geoff Keevins. By 11.00 am there was only one Hibs player, and about 500
       Dunfermline players, who with 2 exceptions looked very young and very fit. 

       Our midfield maestro (sic) arrived next, looking like he had spent the night on the piss, and found himself in bed with his little
       sister in the morning. Finally ten minutes before kick off we had enough for a team with one substitute. The referee somewhat
       incompotently failed to notice that we had 12 men on the field, but Neil Havis in a worrying moment of honesty went off. 

       So, the gladiators entered the sun-drenched arena, resplendent in a variety of ill fitting replica kits, with Mackenzie wearing
       some weird looking foreign thing as he claimed his kit was still at his mums getting washed, along with his finishing ability. 

       The match kicked off with Hibs kicking into a very strong wind, formation loosely agreed about 10 seconds before the start. This
       resulted in the player-manager-captain-herr-generalisimo playing at the back, as no other bugger wanted too. A tactical decision
       akin to playing Rab Shannon in goals, or come to think of it playing Rab Shannon. 

       After an early spell of Pars pressure, during which Anderson the keeper pulled off a couple of fine saves of a high enough quality
       to threaten Oli Gottskalkson’s place in the team. The absence of our first choice (his choice) ‘keeper was soon forgotten on
       seeing this amazing cat-like display. So was James McGachie. Forgotten that is, not cat-like. Soon the mighty green goal
       machine was on the attack. After a couple of hideous off side decisions, the Pars defence was split open incisively, by a
       massive Scott blooter up the park. The ball broke to Rynn who despatched it effortlessly passed the stranded and somewhat
       cliched ‘keeper. 

       Tails up and Hibs were swiftly into attack again. Some hard work by Rynn in midfield sent Mackenzie through, he fought off the
       attentions of the defender rounded the ‘keeper and slotted it wide of the post from about 3 inches. Number 2 was soon to follow
       however, a sweeping move involving Carr, Rynn and Hastie led to a corner on the right. The corner was blootered over and the
       flick on found Brian Russell just inside the box with his back to goal. In one movement he turned, controlled the ball and wellied it.
       Somehow it went between a defender’s legs and in the bottom corner. His shirt-over-the-head-celebrations were swiftly ended
       as greenpeace approached to drag him back to the Forth. Much Hibernian pressure followed, with the Pars going close on a
       couple of breakawys, only to meet Stonewall Anderson in the Hibs goal. 

       HT: 2-0 

       The second half was only minutes old when a through ball resulted in a chance for the Pars. Anderson was off his line quickly to
       meet it though. Being an evil sort, the Dunfermline striker opted to kick the keeper’s nose rather than the ball. There was a horrid
       sort of jelly splosh and Gregor went down like a sack of spuds and cried out something that sounded like “nyegol preff a mustid
       kinkint”. That was the end of his match. He was carried off, looking like an extra from Reservoir Elephants. Carr elected to take
       over in goals, however it was pointed out that he was one of the few that were actually any good, so up stepped Donaldo.
       Although a brave and selfless gesture we would have been better off having his sister, but she was at home tucked up in bed.
       Alone. Now. 

       This gave the Pars the chance to get a goal back. To be fair, Donaldo had little chance, Cowan passing it to their player and
       falling over. The defence were having a chat in the Pars’ half and let them clean through. However the Hibs reply was swift and
       deadly. Well we scored again anyway. Clark the benificiary of some hard work by Havis in the Hibs midfield, with a fine finish. 

       The Pars refused to lie down though and stormed straight back up the park. The referee was forced to give them a penalty
       somewhat unjustly, when Donaldo came rushing from his line and killed their outside right. 4-2 Hibs. Again Hibs roared up the
       pitch to score again, and in a moment of Turnbull like skill, Carr took the ball in his own half, beat 237 Dunfermline challenges to
       slot the ball home from an acute angle in the box. This was met with silence as we all thought it went wide. 

       Dunfermline then scored another dodgy offside goal, making Donaldo look like he’d never been in goals in his life. The Hibs
       scoring was rounded off following a fine move involving everyone in the team having at least three passes, the Pars chasing
       shadows and the ref turning a blind eye to Smith tripping two Dunfermline players by falling over on them, and Havis steering the
       ball home. A late Rynn dive saw Smith go close with a header from the free kick. 

       Allan had finally got himself stripped and was ready to come on when the referee ended one of the finest footballing spectacles
       ever played. And thankfully we could all go to the pub. Except Cowan, who ran away. 

       A post script to the match saw Donaldo and his father appearing in a John Scott pass like state in an Italian restaurant.
       Blootered.